A woman mourns relatives killed in an Israeli strike in the southern suburbs of Beirut, Sept. 24, 2024. (Credit: Mohammad Yassin/L'Orient-Le Jour)
"We don't believe it, it's beyond belief," Jamil Fares a resident of Ain al-Delb, east of Saida told L'Orient-Le Jour.
On Oct. 1, he lost eight members of his family in an Israeli strike that destroyed a building inhabited by civilians, while the war between Hezbollah and Israel has taken an extremely violent turn since the end of September.
As the Israeli army now bombs often densely populated areas, the disappearance of entire families or the simultaneous death of several members of the same family are unfortunately no longer rare. For their loved ones or the survivors of the home, the pain is unspeakable. But how can one manage these losses? Eliane Kashaamy, a systemic psychotherapist, trauma consultant for the U.N. and co-founder of the Lebanese Association of Victims of Terrorism-Lebanon (AVT-L), answered questions our questions to enlighten us.
How do you grieve for several members of your inner circle who were killed at the same time or very quickly apart?
Grieving is already a destabilizing experience in itself, so what if there are multiple griefs? It is normal for our state of mind to be deeply upset, especially when a grieving process is interrupted by a new loss. We must equip ourselves with personal tools and seek outside help, preferably professional. The pain will indeed accumulate, and it risks triggering buried or dormant psychological illnesses, which will resurface following this triggering factor.
What impact on the group on the one hand, and the individual on the other?
Each person grieves in their own way, even within a single family, because grief is personal and unique. Grief is determined by the nature and meaning of the relationship one had with the deceased person(s), as well as the social bond that binds one to them. There is no single way to grieve.
How can one deal with such misfortune on a personal level?
Such repeated bereavements are experienced in an excessively intense way at the beginning. It is therefore normal to feel that one is profoundly changed, at all levels: professional, personal, friendly, etc. During this period, one must accept all the emotions that overwhelm us, permit oneself to express what is happening inside oneself, to tolerate the reactions of other members of the family as well, whatever they may be. Psychologically, we must accept our way of reacting, thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving in different situations, without ever forgetting that it is a process that will end, which is not a state of mind for life.
It is also important to know that recent bereavement can awaken trauma from older bereavements. In this case, we may wonder why fate is so relentless on us and those around us. We must then remember that in life, there are not only tragedies; that these can be followed by more positive episodes. Each bereavement must be resolved at the time it occurs, so as not to manifest itself again years later. It is also important to resolve the emotions resulting from the loss of a loved one, such as feelings of helplessness, vulnerability or even despair.
These losses come at the same time as a war that continues and continues to threaten survivors. What can we say about this additional stress factor? How can we experience loss when we are ourselves in survival mode?
Being in survival mode can paradoxically be useful in the sense that it forces us to stay motivated to continue living. In other words, it is the predominance of the life instinct over the death instinct. Because we cannot grieve until our own safety is assured. This does not mean that grieving will not be necessary once the danger has passed and that we will not have to follow this process at a later stage.
How is it possible to rebuild in the long term?
Grief necessarily seems insurmountable. But at a certain point, you have to think about getting your life back to normal. It is very important to remember that rebuilding and moving forward does not mean forgetting the deceased. I often hear my patients say that they do not want to resume their normal lives due to fear of forgetting their loved ones who have passed away and out of guilt towards them. They do not want to betray the memory of the deceased person or their own memories with them. However, this is a false perception. Moving on with your life means accepting the loss, not forgetting the deceased. It is crucial to keep the good memories that we shared with this person, while allowing ourselves to live. In this process, we can start to take care of our physical and psychological health, resume our usual activities or find new interests. Paradoxically, it is useful to draw parallels with other losses suffered in our life, because it allows us to put our pain into perspective by telling ourselves that nothing lasts forever.
This article originally appeared in French in L'Orient-Le Jour.